Manly Missile
rating: 0+x

Item: Manly Missile
Size: Huge
Living: YEAH!
Sentient: YES
Location: Facility-62
Potential/Current Hazards: Macho-Hazard
Required Wear/Weaponry: Moustache and/or high levels of testosterone, as well as one (1) pair of protective goggles and one (1) pair of noise-cancelling headphones
Reported Anomaly: Extreme Manliness

Prior to item usage the object must be entirely convinced that the mission is manly enough to be performed. In order to convince the object, all staff involved must have a rate of testosterone of 1 microgram per deciliter1. When the object is used for testing the area must be cleaned by ALPHA personnel with flamethrowers or the Scorned Angel equipped with one 'Archangel' pyrotechnics suit, during a heavy metal guitar solo performed with the Disharmonious Guitar by a Heavy ASSAULT Field Operator. Any attempts to perform testing prior to cleaning or attempting cleaning without meeting the aforementioned requirements is to be met with immediate castration to all involved personnel. Said castrated personnel are then to be immediately sent to Base: Six for public humiliation and shaming of their non-manliness.

As of Incident 486943, all personnel are to be equipped with one pair of protective goggles to shield their eyes from its rippling muscles.

Item's Facility must have at least 30 liters of beer available at all times, for the filling of the Macho-Beer-Tank.

Item appears to be a modified R-36M2 land-based ICBM missile, its major modifications being one pair of extremely muscular arms proportionate to the size of the missile. Testing has proven these arms capable of lifting up to thirty million tonnes.

In recent tests, the muscles have proven so amazingly large that the sight of them has rendered male test subjects (as well as some male personnel) blind and/or female, while female test subjects immediately [REDACTED]. Due to the size of the muscles, they flex at a frequency audible to humans, which has deafened many personnel.

The item was created by the ShADES's Awesome-Tech-Wing under the purpose of create a powerful missile that would run with an alternative fuel without being less useful than an ICBM missile. While the prototype was being designed an experimental testosterone supplement was dropped into the fuel. Once the rocket was assembled two massive arms were seen extruding from the sides, after which the missile began beating its creators. The object was contained after having entirely destroyed SHADES Facility █████-████ with its bare hands.

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